


don't you dare look back

by necromantrix



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Attempted Murder, M/M, Murder, Partner Betrayal, Pre-Canon, also i hate sazed so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromantrix/pseuds/necromantrix
Summary: When they met, Taako was bright and energetic and as carefree as he could be. When they met, Sazed was big and strong and easily entranced by the smaller elf.
Sazed was the one who took things too far, but he’ll still blame Taako for his decision.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _Throw me in a landfill;  
>  Don't think about the consequences.  
> Throw me in the dirt pit;  
> Don't think about the choices that you make.  
> Throw me in the water;  
> Don't think about the splash I will create.  
> Leave me at the altar,  
> Knowing all the things you just escaped._  
> \- _Landfill,_ Daughter

           When they met, Taako was bright and energetic and as carefree as he could be. When they met, Sazed was big and strong and easily entranced by the smaller elf.

           Taako didn’t have an actual show at the time. Instead, he was bouncing rapidly from caravan to caravan to perform and cook for them for a while, never heading in the same direction for long. He had thoughts and dreams, and that was why he was teaching himself transmutation magic, but he’d take what he could get for now.

           Sazed was a traveler, taking whatever odd jobs he could with various caravans. He’d left the his hometown years before and never once looked back. He didn’t have any goals except to live on his own terms, and that was what he was doing.

           They met after one of Taako’s performances. Most people didn’t talk to him after the fact, not wanting to get roped into cleanup, but Sazed approached him. For such a strong-looking dude he seemed a little shy, which Taako found endearing.

           “’Sup, big guy?” Taako asked with a bright smile, and that was the start of a mostly-successful partnership.

           Things were good for a long time. Taako went from being a performing addition to others’ caravans to travelling with his own small one. Meeting Sazed started it; he had faith in Taako and his abilities as a cook and a performer, and he did what he could to make sure Taako made it as big as he could.

           They had their issues, of course, but most of those issues stemmed from miscommunication.

           (Or so Taako thought at the time. Looking back he realizes he probably should have read them as red flags, but he was too caught up in himself and his show to notice. He prefers to just not consider it. Besides those few issues, things were good, really, he tells himself repeatedly. What happened at the end was a crime of passion. He’d been too careless and Sazed snapped because of it.)

           (Sazed thought things were fine, and that opinion hasn’t changed looking back. He was so enamored with Taako that he was forced to put up with all the stupid shit he pulled. He put up with his cockiness and flippantness and was nothing but good to him despite it. What happened at the end was unavoidable, he reminds himself. Taako had it coming for not appreciating him enough.)

\---

           Sazed always helped Taako with setup and cleanup. He was the behind-the-scenes guy, and he wouldn’t consider being anything else until years later. At this point in time, things _were_ good—truly good. There was music playing as they cleaned up together in the small open-air kitchen that opened out from the outer wall of the caravan (both from mechanical and magical means).

           Setting the dried bowl aside, Sazed wrapped his arms around Taako’s waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder as he continued washing a few more dishes. Taako swayed slightly to the music as he cleaned, finally setting the dishes aside onto a towel. He teasingly bumped his hips back against Sazed before turning around to loop his arms around his neck. “Dance with me, big guy?” he murmured.

           And they danced, and the night was perfect, and the two of them were happy.

\---

           Part of Taako’s performance persona was a necessary flamboyance and flirtatiousness that were an exaggeration of his normal personality traits. His self-doubts and anxiety were forgotten during his performances, and every time Sazed watched him from offstage he swore Taako got more and more beautiful.

           No matter how beautiful he thought Taako was, it didn’t abate the jealousy that grew as he watched Taako interact with fans (and just viewers—some were people who’d never heard of him and were merely looking for something to do that night), smiling at all and flirting with some, acting every bit the star he was. The bitterness and possessiveness grew quietly inside Sazed, and when it finally began to manifest it was in the form of subtly scathing comments and more roughness than usual.

           Taako would ask how a show went and he’d answer with “it wasn’t your best,” his tone just sharp enough, or his grip would dig a bit too hard into Taako’s skin the next time they kissed. It never escalated beyond that, but it was enough. Despite his general aloofness and his pull over Sazed, Taako was subject to Sazed’s sway over _him_ as well. That was the pattern they both fell into, giving to and taking from each other just a little too much. It wasn’t perfect, it probably wasn’t healthy, but they were satisfied with it.

           Sazed was the one who took things too far, but he’ll still blame Taako for his decision.

\---

           For Sazed, it was a series of denials. It was a series of wanting and trying and being shot down over and over again by the elf he idolized above all others. It was wanting to leave, and sometimes telling Taako as much, but it was also wanting to stay and eventually having a show _together_. It didn’t help that Taako kissed him so often and so well. It made it difficult to consider leaving.

           For Taako, it was a series of incessant requests that just wouldn’t stop. It was a series of telling Sazed “no” and dealing with his emotional complaints. If he couldn’t handle this, how the fuck was he supposed to handle fame? Not well at all, that was how. He wanted to tell Sazed to cut it the fuck out or he was gone, but then he caught how Sazed continued to look at him throughout everything and it made those thoughts fade away.

\---

           One night things changed, and Sazed still can’t pinpoint the catalyst. (Taako still doesn’t know that the disaster at Glamour Springs was a long-contemplated event.) It was a night like any of the previous few years. A show ended (pretty good turnout), cleanup was done, and it was time to turn in for the night. The caravan they shared was small, but neither of them minded being crammed into the small space together. Taako was getting ready for bed—he was a weird elf who slept half the time despite not needing to, a habit Sazed never quite understood—or so Sazed thought, but then he was suddenly straddling Sazed’s lap to kiss him deeply. It was long and slow, less hungry than many of their more-recent kisses. Slowly he pulled away, his arms looped around Sazed’s shoulders. “Tonight went well, didn’t it? Crowds are getting bigger all the time now, my man.”

          “ _Something_ ’s definitely getting bigger, baby,” he muttered distractedly, one hand cupping the side of Taako’s neck. “Have you thought about what I asked you?”

           Taako waved a hand in one of his usual dismissive gestures. “We’ve already talked about that, Sazed. Listen, they come to see _me_ , alright? No point in confusing everyone. And you do what you do so well.” Just like that—just like always—Taako let the conversation fade into nothing, kissing Sazed deeply again. He pulled Taako closer with a hand on his lower back as they kissed, and then his hand raised to cup Taako’s jaw.

           The thought hit suddenly: Both of his large hands were on Taako’s neck, and for a moment he imagined how easy it would be to just _press in_ with his thumbs, to crush his windpipe and keep squeezing until there was nothing left. It wasn’t as though Taako would be able to fight back before he realized what was happening, and, even if he tried, he wasn’t strong and he wasn’t good at magic. He’d cursed himself to drink only gogurt forever, for fuck’s sake. It would be _easy_. He’d deserve it.

           Just as quickly as the thought came, it went, and the increase in his pulse and his rate of breathing were easy to disguise as excitement of a completely different sort. He pushed the thought aside, afraid of it and afraid of himself.

           But it was too late. The thoughts had begun and it was only a matter of time.

\---

           Glamour Springs was four months and a lot of planning later. As far as Taako was aware, things had been the same as they were for the past few years. He continued smiling at Sazed as he always did, and he kissed him for luck before the show.

           As far as Sazed was aware, this kiss before Taako went out onstage was the last he’d ever share with the elf. It was the last time Taako would smile at him. It was the last time he’d wish Taako good luck. It was the last time for so many things, and he was glad.

           Sazed didn’t watch the final performance of _Sizzle it Up! with Taako_. Taako didn’t notice.

           There were many things Taako didn’t do that run. He didn’t look at Sazed offstage. He didn’t question why Sazed suddenly decided to not try to bring things out onstage himself. He didn’t try the food before he served it.

           The last one was the most fatal and life-saving mistake of all, he knows now.

           Had he tried it, he would have died up on stage. Had he tried it, forty people wouldn’t have died that evening.

           When the entire audience of forty people began to get sick and die at an alarming rate, Taako knew something went horribly wrong. He was blind with panic and fear as he ran to Sazed and yelled at him to get moving, that they had to leave, that something _went so fucking wrong my dude we have to get out of here now_ . He was crying and shaking while Sazed was numb in thought. Taako was still alive. Taako was alive and _forty other people_ were dead or dying. _What the fuck went wrong?_

           “Sazed?” Taako asked from beside him as the caravan hurried through the night.

           “What is it, Taako?” Sazed was tense and not himself, which Taako chalked up to fear. Maybe it was, he realizes now that he knows the truth. Maybe Sazed _was_ afraid about what he’d one.

           “What the fuck went wrong? I-I’ve made that recipe countless times the same way, it makes _no fucking sense_ that I’d mess up but I just—Did I get too comfortable?” He was sobbing and shivering, eyes rimmed red as the words tumbled out unhindered in response to Sazed’s distant silence. “ _Forty people are dead because of me_.” Sazed couldn’t disagree—still can’t disagree. “I did this. I fucking… I fucking killed forty people. I’ve never killed _anyone,_ man! I’m a murderer, oh _god_ , I’m a _murderer_!” His face was buried in his hands as though pressing his palms to his eyes would make the tears go away—or at least block out the memory of all the faces he saw in the crowd that night, now all dead. His breathing was ragged and strained, and eventually his words faded into indiscernible, muttered gasps to himself.

           They drove without stopping or eating for nearly two days, and by time they stopped Taako had managed to calm himself down to just shaking.

           “What are we going to do?” he asked in a hoarse whisper once they were inside the small cart. “I… I have nothing left besides you now, Sazed, and I—I fucked things up for both of us and I’m so, _so_ fucking sorry.” He was too busy staring at his shaking hands to realize what Sazed was doing until he heard the door open. His eyes snapped over to see him standing there, a bag over his shoulder and a hand on the door handle.

           “S-Sazed? Wh-what are you…?” He could feel his chest growing tighter as his ability to breathe and form words felt like it escaped out the opened door.

           Sazed kept his back to him, looking out into the darkening landscape but seeing nothing. He told himself he wasn’t at fault for forty people dying when it should have been one. He told himself he made the right choice and did all he could. He tells himself both of those things still. “You said so yourself, Taako: you’re a murderer now. I can’t stay here after what you did.” His tone was icy and every word passing his lips was another dagger twisting in Taako’s chest. “You killed… _forty people_ , baby. Forty _innocent_ people.”

           Without giving Taako a chance to say anything, he walked out and shut the door behind himself. If Taako called anything after him, he didn’t hear it—he was looking without seeing and hearing without listening as he began his slow, lonely walk into the night. When he finally looked back for the last time, there was nothing to see but darkness and the vague shape of trees, and nothing to hear except for the usual sounds of night and his own heavy breaths. He didn’t look back again.

\---

           Taako sits on the floor of his bedroom, one hand clamped tight over his mouth to keep his sobs quiet enough that no one will hear to ask questions. It’s different, knowing that it was a betrayal and an attempt on his life by his trusted partner and not a catastrophic accident on his part. He allowed himself to think that he was fine with this knowledge when he first got it, that the deaths not being his fault was _fan-fucking-tastic_ , but now that he’s alone to really think about it… it’s not all that fantastic.  Now he’s finally alone and allowing himself to truly think about it for the first time, and he’s back in that caravan the night Sazed left him and he _hurts._ The dagger twists in his chest as though it never left and never allowed the original wound to heal in the first place.

           Miles below, somewhere down on Faerŭn, Sazed sleeps the sleep of a man unburdened by his conscience.

**Author's Note:**

> This was rough to write, as I have... very few Sazed headcanons and whenever I see his name I think "Fuck Sazed" before I even consider thinking anything else. Shoutout to my pals on the discord who gave me feedback all along the way and then proceeded to help me thoroughly edit it (this one's at you, nevertrustakobold/vasilyssa!). 
> 
> The title of this thing's from Landfill by Daughter, which I listened to way too much while writing this.


End file.
